Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Randomize
