My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
