Heybabeimwearingurpanties
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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