Fine. I'll sleep in my office
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Randomize
