cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
