pedialite and red bull = repair kit
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Randomize