the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
