HIV tests are more positive than that guy
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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