The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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