Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
