Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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