my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
