Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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