Tell her she can't have a vagina
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
