i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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