I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I wear drunk well.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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