when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize