Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
