I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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