he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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