Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
