Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
