The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
