9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Shame - the story of my life.
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