Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
