Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
