I cannot find my penis.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
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