Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
