george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
