pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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