my mouth tastes like poor choices
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
