wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
