Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
