conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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