Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
