Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
