I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Why are your pants in the freezer?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
