After last night, I could never be a politician.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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