Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Randomize
