sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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