I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
