If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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