SEEEEXXX PLEASE
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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