My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
