Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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