i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
