"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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