I will die if light touches me.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
