I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
