my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
