All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
