I'm eating all of the evidence.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
