my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
