nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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