Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Vodka?
Forever.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
