the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize