I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
