I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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